Before I became a father, culture and society had drilled it into my head that you had to bribe kids to get them to eat vegetables. Fortunately, with our son on the way, I forgot about all of this — and accidentally tricked him into wanting to eat vegetables and salad greens.

The unconscious, devious plan actually started before little Joseph was born …

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1. I've learned that the best toys are seen but not heard.

2. I've learned that a "friend with benefits" is a friend with a kid old enough to babysit.

3. I've learned how frightening it is to have a 2-year-old walk up to you when you thought he was asleep in his crib.

4. I've learned that a child's first instinct isn't to walk around a puddle.

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Would you turn your children into the police if you knew or thought they had committed a crime? These parents did. After returning home from church, parents in North Carolina were watching the news they had recorded while out discovering surveillance video of a group of boys stealing from a local electronics store. Recognizing their sons in the footage they took the teens to the police station to assist them with turning themselves in.

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Since having kids, I tend to say things I’ve never said and do things I’ve never done. Being a mom has made me rattle off the dumbest questions and most pointless sentences of my life. Some so ridiculous that after I say it, I think to myself: “What does that even mean?” Here’s a few examples of things I’ve said recently:

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A year ago, I committed what is known as a “mom fail” (basically any false move committed during the act of mothering). Preparing my then-2½-year-old son to go out in the morning for a play date, I asked him, “Do you want to go to H.’s house?” Emphatically, he said no. “Well, we have plans; he’s expecting us,” I amended lamely. My son burst into tears, and no matter how I tried to spin it, he was adamant. Maybe he was tired; maybe the dark, cloudy morning visible from our windows was too uninviting. Whatever the case, I was now in the awkward position of having to drag him, kicking and screaming, down four flights of stairs (we lived in a walk-up) while also toting my younger boy, then an infant. So I canceled the play date (thus committing a “friendship fail,” too, all in one morning).

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