Between Pinterest and social media, it seems the standard moms are being held up to these days is higher than ever. Maybe it’s because I pride myself on not caving to pressure or I’ve simply resigned myself to the fact that I’m content to walk the line of mediocrity, but there comes a time when women need to rise up and say enough is enough and let ourselves (and each other) off the hook of society’s great expectations. So what do you say, ladies? Cuz I believe it’s time to take a stand when it comes to…
Crafty School Lunches
No, I will not attempt to cut my child’s sandwich into the shape of Nemo because no one should desire to cuss before 7am.
Hot breakfasts
They make cereal and yogurt for a reason.
Pre-baby bodies 6 weeks post partum
Or 6 months. Or a year. Or maybe ever.
Décor by Pottery Barn
Until these little heathens stop destroying our crap, this décor by Big Lots will have to suffice. And byheathens, I'm including husbands.
On trend anything
Nothing on trend looks good with a baby strapped to the front or covered in spit up, and I blame morning television for me even knowing the phrase ‘on trend.’
Squeaky clean children
They’re making memories, right? And you can’t make memories with clean ears and fingernails, it’s just not possible.
Expensive hair care products
Let’s be honest. White rain and aqua-net have yet to fail us.
Lingerie
Can we please just jump straight to naked? Under the covers? With all the lights off?
Working outside the home / Working inside the home
Let’s just admit we’re all workin’ our asses off.
Pinterest Atrocities
I will no longer subject myself to activities that will end in a sea of profanity.
Dinners from scratch
Because sometimes cereal is dinner, too…and there’s that whole sea of profanity thing.
Breast feeding/Bottle feeding
Doesn’t matter. They’re being fed. Move on.
Purses
Face it, it’s called a diaper bag.
Clean houses
Until all of my children move out, odds are high that my sink will have dishes, my baskets will have laundry, and my surfaces will have dust. Deal wid it.
Time consuming teacher gifts
By the time Christmas rolls around, all they want is a stiff drink. Throw ‘em a gift card to the local bar and become their favorite person. If that goes against your creative core, wrap it in a wine glass, because if they get one more coffee mug, they’re gonna kick somebody in the jewels.
Vaginal birth/C-section/Epidural/Natural
Is your child successfully out of your body? Then no one should care.
Heels
If I wanted to walk on stilts, I would’ve joined the circus.
Fundraisers
No.
Gardening
As much as I’d love to spend hours in my backyard growing my own organic vegetables and then hours in my kitchen steaming them into canning jars of fresh homemade spaghetti sauce…no, wait, I’d hate every minute of that.
Make-up
Disguising my face with layers of concealer, foundation, powder, blush, eye shadow, fiber optics mascara, and eye liner…all in an attempt to hide the effects that all this pressure is doing to my appearance, and one of these days, I’m gonna pitch the cosmetics bag and say, ‘No more!’
But today is not that day.
